The thought has started again; I couldn’t even remember how many times it had went through my mind. “Believe in yourself; be positive, you can do it. You just need to believe it.” I snorted more to myself then to the loneliness outside, not that the ones cared. I was alone, again. My eyes were tired, being up most of the night reading, lovely mangas or even stories, I just loved it but I can’t remember the reason why. I envy them, the characters, how their love blossoms. I have my love, of course I do, and I’m just one of those “lost” causes. Well, scratch that. I’m not really lost, just trying to find the road, my road. Not anyone else’s because they are not for me to decide what I should choose. Hell, if I had the chance I would give them what I think but I’m still fragile, the days go by, one by one. I don’t think anymore, it’s true. My mind has started to become blank as I go into the routines. Answering without thinking, what a joke, but it’s quite particular because I always scold myself for saying it the wrong way, not out loud, just inside. In my mind, I sighed and went up. Picking up the clothes I felt like wearing, the large white baggy sweater and a pair of comfy grey baggy pants. Just what I need, a lazy and relaxing day, aye?
It’s quite hilarious, because in some ways I feel better alone. You know, you don’t need to suddenly consider everything around you, calculate the possibility of hurting another or even snap. No, being alone let’s you ease of, release that one mask, which most of us or rather everyone usually has. But then, you don’t want to be that much alone. You feel like your suffocating on the inside, screaming for some fun, but too scared to pick up the phone and just say. “Hey, wanna hang out? Don’t have much to do y’know.” Instead, I watch the cell phone, think of just one friend and my heart beats so fast it’s almost like I’m in love with her. My head shakes and I open a book, or even watch the television just to get my mind of things. Suddenly my mother drags on. “We’re going to town, the bank. You need to come as well. But put on some descent clothes.” I don’t glare, just look at her for a minute, nod then walk and switch to something else. Something, more “fitting” for the outside. What a drag, getting in the car and walk to the bank. Then I’ll be alone in town and suddenly see new things I want to buy. Can’t call the boyfriend because he has no cell phone either, I sigh once more, thinking of texting a friend but my heart races so I just leave it.
It’s these small, details I notice now. I sigh more; I’ve started to notice that breathing is like something we do without thinking. Like the body is determined to live, but you don’t know what. My mind wanders as I go inside, just listening and giving my mother what she wants and then I’m back to scratch. What to do now? Nothing much, I’ve been in this town many times before, just the same old looking down. I need to get out, I’m suffocating. My body sighs once more; I’ve done that a lot recently. Like my body is constantly in need of oxygen and is stressing out. I wonder why but I’m not bothered by it. I don’t calculate things that much but listens half heartedly to what my mother says then there’s silence, she says bye and I’m left alone. My heart stings, and I feel like the tears are welling up again. Darn tears! I don’t want to cry, I’m sick of it damn it! I blink starts to think about horses or anything happy, smiles now and then to passersby’s like I’m doing at work. Never thought I’d start to do it automatically.
In a way I find my way to the mall, walk around without any true intention of buying, picking up things and put it back. Like I haven’t done that a thousand times before. My mind starts to think about collage, the three schools I’ve thought about. Their far from here, from the place that is not my real home, and will never truly be, it reminds me that school will soon begin, the stress, the fake smiles and personalities. Everything that’s just bothersome. It’s a change of fact, a notorious thing that’s quite weird and unforgiving, because I can’t stop thinking about the damned negativities. I shake my head, thinking positive again, seeing my boyfriend and some friends again. Yeah, that’ll be great, I’ve missed friends, I guess. And besides, it’s just one more year, until it’s done. Some months, nothing more. I’ll have to have fun while it’s still there, until it’s time for the real world. I’ve already got a big taste of it, and yet there is still more to come, I can’t wait. No wait, I can wait. I need to digest the things I’ve already learned and learn from my mistakes, and once again I release a sigh, say hi to some people I know before I go to fetch the buss. Yeah, just one of those days, I guess.
My last note, in awhile or forever. Who knows. We’ll see if the plain crashes, I’m positive that it won’t. But just in case, good bye everyone and for the rest? I apologize, but I won’t ask for a second chance without being worthy of it. Now I’m heading off to Bulgaria for two weeks, the flight will be good. No crash, and I sure as hell won’t get that idiotic flu. I’m strong enough, I believe it.
Sincerely, Me
It’s quite hilarious, because in some ways I feel better alone. You know, you don’t need to suddenly consider everything around you, calculate the possibility of hurting another or even snap. No, being alone let’s you ease of, release that one mask, which most of us or rather everyone usually has. But then, you don’t want to be that much alone. You feel like your suffocating on the inside, screaming for some fun, but too scared to pick up the phone and just say. “Hey, wanna hang out? Don’t have much to do y’know.” Instead, I watch the cell phone, think of just one friend and my heart beats so fast it’s almost like I’m in love with her. My head shakes and I open a book, or even watch the television just to get my mind of things. Suddenly my mother drags on. “We’re going to town, the bank. You need to come as well. But put on some descent clothes.” I don’t glare, just look at her for a minute, nod then walk and switch to something else. Something, more “fitting” for the outside. What a drag, getting in the car and walk to the bank. Then I’ll be alone in town and suddenly see new things I want to buy. Can’t call the boyfriend because he has no cell phone either, I sigh once more, thinking of texting a friend but my heart races so I just leave it.
It’s these small, details I notice now. I sigh more; I’ve started to notice that breathing is like something we do without thinking. Like the body is determined to live, but you don’t know what. My mind wanders as I go inside, just listening and giving my mother what she wants and then I’m back to scratch. What to do now? Nothing much, I’ve been in this town many times before, just the same old looking down. I need to get out, I’m suffocating. My body sighs once more; I’ve done that a lot recently. Like my body is constantly in need of oxygen and is stressing out. I wonder why but I’m not bothered by it. I don’t calculate things that much but listens half heartedly to what my mother says then there’s silence, she says bye and I’m left alone. My heart stings, and I feel like the tears are welling up again. Darn tears! I don’t want to cry, I’m sick of it damn it! I blink starts to think about horses or anything happy, smiles now and then to passersby’s like I’m doing at work. Never thought I’d start to do it automatically.
In a way I find my way to the mall, walk around without any true intention of buying, picking up things and put it back. Like I haven’t done that a thousand times before. My mind starts to think about collage, the three schools I’ve thought about. Their far from here, from the place that is not my real home, and will never truly be, it reminds me that school will soon begin, the stress, the fake smiles and personalities. Everything that’s just bothersome. It’s a change of fact, a notorious thing that’s quite weird and unforgiving, because I can’t stop thinking about the damned negativities. I shake my head, thinking positive again, seeing my boyfriend and some friends again. Yeah, that’ll be great, I’ve missed friends, I guess. And besides, it’s just one more year, until it’s done. Some months, nothing more. I’ll have to have fun while it’s still there, until it’s time for the real world. I’ve already got a big taste of it, and yet there is still more to come, I can’t wait. No wait, I can wait. I need to digest the things I’ve already learned and learn from my mistakes, and once again I release a sigh, say hi to some people I know before I go to fetch the buss. Yeah, just one of those days, I guess.
My last note, in awhile or forever. Who knows. We’ll see if the plain crashes, I’m positive that it won’t. But just in case, good bye everyone and for the rest? I apologize, but I won’t ask for a second chance without being worthy of it. Now I’m heading off to Bulgaria for two weeks, the flight will be good. No crash, and I sure as hell won’t get that idiotic flu. I’m strong enough, I believe it.
Sincerely, Me
