A piece of a puzzle came together

Hey it's me again!

Somethign really great happened to me yesterday, my bedt friend(and how i see it, my twin) got back from Japan. She was going to be there for elleven months but she came this month! It was like four months earlier but hell, I won't complain. When I heard her voice penetrate my ears I thought I was dreaming, she was supposed to be in Japan, not here in the room but there she was. Standing there with her light blond hair smiling. I was stunned a second before screaming a little and hugged her tightly. I almost cried but I couldn't let my tears fall, my head didn't allow me. Instead I just hugged her tightly before getting all shaked up but I got to call the two others to come down. While seeing my friends hug her made me happy in a way, I mean she was finally back after those hell of a long months. I couldn't walk for a couple of minutes, my whole body was trembling, my heart was racing fast because she was there, but when they said they were going I couldn't just sit around anymore. I was afraid that she would dissapear or something or that this was just a dream but it wasn't. She was back, back in this cold wretched land, and back to us. I was really happy to see her but at the same time, I had no words. I didn't know what to say so I kind of was silent, but I think it was because I wanted the others to be more with her. I mean I missed her, of course I did, she is in my heart all the time and etched under my skin but I don't care about it, I love her. But even if I do I can't help to think that, what will happen now? What would become of us? Will we still be as great friends as before or have we grown apart? Why the hell have I gotten these thoughts anyway? I want her in my life I know that, but I don't want to take her away from the others, probably why I back down a little. I don't feel like I deserve her, she has them the ones she can rely on, I've only betrayed her, I've had that feeling before but is it really true? I mean, of course I would skip school for her, but somehow I just can't. I have alway had this thing in my head, never skip school, it is bad, you'll get punished. Therefore I don't really skip school at all. done it twice in my whole life and most people call me a nerd because of it. I'm just different that's all, but I was happy to see her being well, I really am. I just hope she can come to me this Sunday, we can have lots of candy, she can see my baby brother and meet him in person and watch a movie while talking nothing but crap. I've loved those times and I miss them so much. A light pierced my heart seeing her arrive and I finally knew, I want her to stay with me forever.

Mally

What hurts the most

Yeah, I'm inspired by the song but not by Rascall Flatts. It is another version by Jo O'Meara. Her voice is really beautiful and it just penetrates my heart, I get easily moved by songs yes but her voice caught my heart the most. I mean, I'll always hide behind a mask I will never be proud of. I hurt my friend for god knows why the reason it, I just can't look at the mirror anymore, I don't recognize myself. When I heard him say that she looked sad I wanted to turn back and hug her tightly, my heart ached but still I was a jerk and didn't turn. I can't describe it other then I hate myself for it, I was being so frekaing mean and for what? I don't like her boyfriend? It's the most detested thought I have. Why I ever do these things is, I don't know. Maybe I like seeing people in pain but why does it have to be her!? She is the one holding me up, my other friend is in Japan and as long as she lives I'm here as well but if either of them goes away, I'll suffocate I know I will. I feel like having the day of hell but still I try to not pity myself, I mean people have worse. Many people are dying every day because of the lack with food, water and shelter. Here I am sitting crying out loud because of my friend, but all my friends means the world to me! I would never be here if it was not for them, I couldn't be here without them. They are my poles, the ones I can laugh with, cry with, have fun with and everything and still I can't get myself to get more emotional attached because I have this stupid safety barrier. I write stupid things and say stupid things because I don't want people near me, I hide behind a mask when I'm sad or just frightened. I hurt myself by hitting something when I can't take it anymore and still I can't get it why I do these things. Maybe because pain eases my feeling and tension, i mean, I calm down after I've hit the wall and then I wonder why I did it. I just feel loads of things but the only one I can talk about it with is either my friends or my mother. I've got a large pride that covers it for my friends and I'm at hell's place instead of my mom's.

For all my father and stepmother care I can lye dead without them knowing. They don't care about me, I can't see why they would either. I'm not in the living room because of one reason, I'm a ghost if I sit there. When I want to their suddenly gone to another place without even telling me. I mean seriously, I'm not that important so I can sit alone here sure thing I don't care but they don't even ask me about it. My father yells at me when I don't get why I get yelled at sometimes and when I want support I need to tell him or I won't get any. I don't know him anymore, he was my favourite person, now I can't even see who that person is. I get weak when I am here, I don't get enough to eat because I'm too scared to eat because I never know if we are having dinner or not. It usually ends up me not eating anything or eating twice a day. If that is my life I want to get out of it. I want to live with my mother because she is the one trying to understand me. We can argue yeah but she comes after me and talks it out. With dad I'm too scared to say anything at all, just looking at him makes me cry because I know now he'll be pissed on me and I'll get yelled at. I've never been slapped but my mom almost did it with me a long time ago,my dad have wanted to do it several times because I'm the so called black sheep. I'm not the one listening to him I know but this is because I want to proove to him I'm not one of his dolls. But when I want him to probably care or something he'll not care at all. He never calls when I'm away, when I ask he only tells me I'm old enough to take care of myself. Well thanks for caring at least. I've got so much I want to tell him but I'm a coward and I can't tell him, I don't know anymore. I guess I just don't want to stay here and there anymore. I can't face my friend now, I don't want to talk to dad either, I just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and cry more, I don't care about this freaking headache I always get, I just want to get this stress out and say I'm sorry to her and hug her while crying. But the question is, can it happen? Well I hope I can do it tomorrow...I'll write more soon

Wishes

Mally

Suffocation behind the face

Long time no see!

Well, I can't really say anything on how I feel anymore. I feel like my nerves won't hold up anymore and just want to cry out or get my feelings expressed without everyone asking;; Are you ok? It's so freaking annoying but I can't help it but just stay neutral. I know I should be ok, but this would only make everyone worry more and I hate that feeling. It's just eating me slowly, making me go down the drain in my own suffocating darkness. I can't take looking at my friends and boyfriend and knowing I just want to say how much I want them to stay mine. But even now I can see how much they're slipping away. My boyfriend doesn't listen to me, I need to tell him something almost ten times until he listens and I have a feeling he doesn't listen then either. It's just a feeling, maybe I'm just confusing myself by my own words without noticing it because I hate to rant, I really do, I just need to get these feelings out. I hate this torture because it makes me want to skip class and not meet up with my boyfriend and his coming to my place on Saturday. I want to release my own heart and just fade, I don't want this feeling inside anymore because I hate it. I can look at him but if we do something like a group oral thing he doesn't even care. maybe he does, but it doesn't look like it. When a class does that it frustrates me and makes me want to just quit and go away, not that they would care right? I'm just a ghost in the class, it's nothing that would be able to shown into the place known as "class." So here I' sitting then, writing in the Norwegian class and waiting for the time to go faster so that I can run, run down to get my stuff to study, run to the buss and hope that he won't follow and stay there alone. But even so I know it is just a wish on a little stick. I mean, he will come I know he will because he has to take the buss and then will ask me what the hell is wrong with me and I will only say nothing. He'll get mad and hurt because I won't say it and I will get hurt because he don't get it. I don't even know what he should get and that frustrates me even more. Seriously, why do I need to have this heart breaking feeling? Having my heart pound nervously, look like I'm pissed off for anything, refuse to speak and look at my boyfriend because somehow, it hurts even more!? What the heck is wrong with me?

I can't even see the truth behind the eyes, my other friend has a new boyfriend and somehow, I can't make myself like him. He is the one to take her away from me, the one whom would take her time away from me and talk to her about anything. I feel useless as a friend now and I don't think I will ever get myself to know this kind of joke anymore. Maybe it is time for me to just fade? I feel like lying in my bed, play with my little brother, scream at my father, cry out loud and just go to school like a robot. I don't want to go to school, I want to sit home an stay there, never to really know what is right and what is wrong with me. And even so I know I'm saying the same shit over and over just to make myself feel better, where the hell did my sympathy go? I mean, my friend must be suffering because I can't accept her lovely boyfriend but what should I do? I can't accept someone I do not like, and at least not someone that takes things seriously, lives far away and is well a priest thingy or something. I don't care if he would be the king of the world, I don't like him. He gives me the same feel her ex gives me, he will take her away from me I know he will, his planning on something, but maybe I'm just overprotective about my friends, I feel so selfish that it is killing my own soul without even knowing that me, myself can't protect the one I love the most and that I've become to almost hate the person I truly love. I really hate my true self, I am a selfish brat and therefore I don't deserve such wonderful and loving friends and boyfriend, I want to just, begone and never come back because maybe then, that they would find true love and know the good feeling instead of the crushing aura I'm giving off. I don't want this anymore, I am changing and trying so hard but it's not enough anymore, I'm going back to my old self, that self which I hate most of them all. I guess I should say good bye before this rant gets too long for you guys to bear, well, see you soon. Going to have a loads of blog about friendship soon, some school thing.

Have a nice day
~Free-chan