>>Gotta be somebody

Hey

So yeah, I was really upset yesterday but it was good to let it out. Things are looking brighter now. I've talked it out with my bestfriend and boyfriend and I'm finally on the right path again. I was just sms'ing with my father and it looks like I'll have to talk to him about how I feel. I don't know why but I felt braver when just writing how I felt in the text message, and when he told me he couldn't recognize himself I don't know why but I just couldn't believe it. His so slow, he can't even notice that he favors my two little sisters. So yeah, I'm probably going to sort it out with him, just probably I don't know how it will go yet. I'll probably let you know. But Wade thank you for leading me back on track. -hugs- What you told me really mean alot and it's not like I don't rely on my other friends, but what you said really helped and made me cry but cheered me up. Marie, I'm sorry for causing you pain and make you think I blamed you. I'm really glad we sorted it out and I love you, remember that?? -hug- Claire, I'm really sorry I haven't given you any notice, I really am. I'll send you an sms tomorrow ok? I love you so much sis! ^-^ And Kim, talking with you and to hear that you won't misuse my trust really makes me feel so warm inside. I'm so glad I was told into giving it a chance, I can't wait to see you on Tuesday, I need this weekend to just be alone, maybe tell mom how I've been feeling and all that. But know this, Marie, Claire and Kim. You really mean the world to me. Each of you hold a very special part of both my soul and heart and I mean it. If I loose any of you I don't know how I can survive because you'll take that piece with you. I love you my trio! (L) So yeah, I'm calmer now, tired of course but calmer. And you should see the weather here! It's warm and sun and I love it! I can go outside and almost melt XD

Sincerely Me

>>Animals

Long time no see

Well, I mostly have probably alot to say. But my mind isn't up for it. I just really feel like crap. I've had the most hellish week since, well since last Thursday I guess. I've cried how many times? Probably four or five times from that Thursday until today. Which is alot for me because I rarely cry. Sure I can feel down but I haven't been this tired, hurt, confused and just hateful for a long time. It all started on Thursday, we were going to the bank, I tried to settle it with dad who was basically just pissed off. At first I thought it as because the bank was closed so I kind of cried for probably one and a half hour or something because I just blamed myself that the bank was closed. Well that was until I figured it out the real reason for him to be pissed. I had been at facebook and showed a picture of him and given some comments, really for me it was just harmles fun, but of course, seeing as I'm just stupid and all that shit it's my fault. And I guess it is seeing as I didn't ask and didn't bet on how he would feel. So he started to yell at me, I yelled back, I could hardly breathe I was just really pissed and hurt and tired. It had been my first day at a new job and he gave me that shit. He just yelled saying that I'm so immature, I should consider others and respect people. He truly broke me down and stepped on me. I yelled back, basically I screamed and panted trying to get any breath while crying. I wanted to tell him to go to hell, tell him to just stay away because he sure as hell don't know anything of how I feel! And he gives me that crap!? So I deleted the photos, I mean I didn't really care and I sure as hell won't care if he still hasn't forgiven me. I'm probably not even his daughter when he feels like it. So yeah, he finally went out and I couldn't really breathe and then the weekend started and I just tried to ignore him as much as I could. I'm really not interested in the family drama of there. I'm sure the whole family doesn't really care about me on his side, maybe only my cousin I don't know.



And then we went on a couple of days without drama, until the Economy term test. IT WAS HELL! It was really hard, I had tears in my eyes and almost sniffed them. I stressed out completely, my hands was shaking I'm not joking. Same happened at the German only I didn't really cry. But I was completely beat but my boyfriend came with me back home so it was ok. On Thursday was just a load of crap. I got completely pissed at our grym teachers, his just an retard, could go some place else then I heard that he had actually put his arms around a student telling her he wanted to see them in a swimsuit. PEDOFILE! Anyways, then I came home, I had told my dad like six times and answered him whether I would be at school or home. I said home because I was getting home early, he said ok, he would pick me up there and drive me to work. And guess what, he forgot, like usual. I almost didn't make it hadn't it been because I took my old bike and bicycled there, I was in panic and cried -.- But now comes the fun part. HE BLAMES ME!? The hell!? I tried to call him three times and tell him I was home but nooo! He probably went to my school or something, called me but I just decided not to answer. I was so close to tell him to go to hell. So I just told him. "You know what? Forget it, I don't care, I'm out." He thought I meant that I'd stay home but I don't really care, I worked my arse off and it took me away from him after I'd cry a little at least. I'm so sick of him, I really am. I had a math term test today. I want to be with my friend and boyfriend but mom is tired. I can see it on her. I don't want to be a bother more then I already am. My mind and body is tired as well and it's soon 9:00PM I'm thinking of going to bed. I just, don't care anymore. I haven't felt this for a long time, and I'm sick of it. I am.

Sincerely Me

>>The Only Moment We Were Alone

Hey everyone

First of all! This day has just started amazingly great! I got myself a summerjob, settling in so I'm going to work on Friday and Saturday. I was with a friend of mine Arve, then with Clare ILU! And of course Marie after she had shooed her boyfriend of XD Kidding, well maybe >: Anyway, so I've been in the town from like 12 O'Clock until it was like 6 PM XD But I was really worried for my baby brother as well. Poor guy is in the hospital. Mom called and said that they didn't know what was wrong, but he and my step-father is going to stay there over night. I hope to god that he is alright!!!!


So I came home, I was tired when I suddenly sees something disturbing, well to be honest I'm still scared. My boyfriend seemed to have left some kind of. 'I-don't-care-about-my-life'-note. I can't even get him, he has turned off his cell phone. I'm trying to be calm about it but I don't know what's wrong. So even though the day started great and have been kind of great I have a feeling that it will end suckish because unless I get to know what the HELL has happened to my boyfriend, well let's just say I won't get any sleep tonight. D: WHERE IS HE!? I wan't to talk with him! But I can't unless he turns back his cell phone, I'm not pissed, not at all...I'm scared, and I want to know what has happened. Anyone have any ideas before i freak out more?

Sincerely Me

>>Wonderful

Hey Everyone

I just figured out that I want to do most of my titles after the music I'm listening to. Today is actualyl a song really fitting to my whole mood. The lyrics that is, not the song title. It's called "Wonderful" by Gary Go. It's really beautiful actually about someone in need to be just loved and get support. Which I do, from my boyfriend and a bestfriend. But I just noticed how easily angered and how unnatural I am with one of my bestfriends. I can't act normal with her anymore, I just can't. Want to know why? It's because I feel that the only thing on her mind is her boyfriend. Everything she writes about is how good and amazing he is, well fuck him! I'm so sick and tired of him already! -.- I mean, I don't think I need to support anyone anymore. My bestfriends have each other and one of them their boyfriend. I'm sure mine is supported on one of them as well so my depression has risen to a high level just today. I just feel out of place today, I'm not welcomed in any of these families I live in. It's like the song text says. A part of myself has died and I've lost my spark. Things were good, yesterday and the day before, well other then my neck. I had my boyfriend there of course I felt better. And then he goes, whoosh! There goes my mood as well. My step siblings comes, whoosh! I'm out of the picture. I'm not telling mom about it either because I don't want to be a bother for her anymore. I'm sick of my life actually. I've probably been pretty sick of it lately. I don't really deserve my boyfriend, there's nothing in me. Nothing important at least.


I'm probably like my dad or anyone else thinks, I'm a disgrace to my family. I don't listen to them because I have my own thoughts, I don't want to stay with some of them because I plainly just don't like them. And I won't force my mind on hating people even more. I swear, if I get to know that I'm staying with my stepbrother or sister when we go away this summer, I'll say no and just go. I can't stand them, one's a bitch the others a spoiled brat. I hate them. So yeah, I've gotten into my little depression again, I probably won't like my bestfriends boyfriend which is a shame for her I guess. I'm just tired of it because I know that we haven't had that many good memories and then I look through her blog and it says how great they have it together. It truly hurts you know, It really does. But I can't stop her from writing about the person she loves, but at the same time I'm glad because then I know where I stand in life. God I'm so weak! I can't stand it anymore. I'm going away as well so I don't think I'll get to write anything for some days. Not that I'm feeling anything better but I have to dry away these tears and sniffing before I get some food. I hate to lie for my mother and even if she knows that I'm lying to her, I won't tell her what's wrong, I just wont. So yeah, let's see how much people love me in my family. They say they love me but do they really? I can't believe anyones words anymore, I just...can't.

Sincerely Me

>>Jokes

Hey everyone

I've actually been thinking today. Well, it's the 1st of April, Aprilfools are rolling and all is fun and yet, I'm not having fun. To be honest I'm just tired of it already. Everyone else is allowed to joke around, I'm not because when I joke everything has gotten so serious. And of course, no one believes me which is fine by me actually, well other then a friend of mine and of course she has to start yelling at me through texting. God I hate it so much! What I can't really believe is that she didn't really guess it right. I mean, IF I was pregnant I would tell it face to face, not texting at all. But sure, I know now that if I get pregnant I know which persons I can talk to and how to do it. I'll take with me the journal and show it, hit me if they want I DON'T CARE. I'm just tired of it. Of course I take pregnancy serious, I'm not stupid. I have a friend that lost her little girl because her body couldn't take it. I've seen my mother pregnant not long ago as well and heard how she felt. It's a life for gods sake! Of course I take it seriosuly! And yet my friend sent an angry text because I joked with it, I was not trying to offend anyone and yet she yells at me. It's like she doesn't even know me anymore! Fine, I don't know her anymore either, she's changed to someone behind a mask I can see but won't comment on anymore.


But the thing that really annoys me is that she can take a joke from my other bestfriend, if she tells me that I'm pregnant. The hell!? I don't like it. I'm probably accusing everyone else I know, my own fault for sending the joke and all that. Beat it. I'm not in the mood. everything has gone crap today so I'm pretty much pissed the whole day. -sigh- I just want to go home. Can't I? I'm just going to watch a movie then I'm done, nothing more, nothing less. Aha, I just don't care if the others get annoyed anymore. I want to just be free or something, I need to ride soon or I'm going to hit the wall. I'm tired of always being trapped, I haven't been alone with my boyfriend for awhile either which annoys me, I can't be myself without him. Don't know why it is like that, I just can't. It's a mask that has gone for so long so I don't bother anymore. I am myself, in small bits but not completely, with him I'm completely relaxed, my soul and heart is at peace and I can fall asleep like a baby. He is my world, my everything and I love my friends, it's not that. I just don't give him enough attention which I'm sorry too. But I love you dear! I really do!


And now I'm probably done, feels better at least.

Sincerely Me